Comedians

George Saunders once said, “Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.” In a world where the acceptable range of discourse is shrinking, comedians have taken on a new level of importance. Unchained from any of societal rules of discourse, comedians have served as the last beacon of hope for public honesty. We’ve summoned our favorite quotes from some of the world’s funniest and brutally honest.

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”

Chris Rock

“Remember back when you were a kid, and you thought there were actually people that knew what this thing we call “life” was really all about? Remember when you thought there really were “grown ups?” Then, all of a sudden one day you become a “grown up” yourself and the terrifying revelation occurs to you that there really are no “grown ups,” just kids that got old and had kids of their own, and no one really knows what the f*ck is going on.”

Joe Rogan

“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”

Ricky Gervais

“I’m tired of people acting like they’re better than McDonalds. You may have never set foot in McDonalds, but you have your own McDonalds. Maybe instead of buying a Big Mac, you read US Weekly; hey, that’s still McDonalds, it’s just served up a little different. Maybe your McDonald’s is telling yourself that Starbucks Frappuccino is not a milkshake. Or maybe you watch “Glee.” It’s all McDonald’s—McDonald’s of the soul: momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt eventually leading to cancer. I’m lovin’ it.”

Jim Gaffigan

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

George Carlin

“Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify, because the players are always changing, the team can move to another city. You’re actually rooting for the clothes, when you get right down to it. You know what I mean? You are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city. Fans will be so in love with a player, but if he goes to another team, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different shirt; they hate him now. Boo! Different shirt! Boo!”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you’re married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount of risk to playing it safe.”

Bill Burr

“I’ve always joked that there are these two strains of Trump derangement syndrome and it’s either everything is Trump’s fault or Trump can do no wrong…I feel like most people exist in the gray area in between but they get so bombarded by both sides that they are just like nah I’m just gonna be quiet.”

Bridget Phetasy

“People will kill you over time. And how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like be realistic.”

Dylan Moran

“Offending people is a necessary and healthy act. Every time you say something that’s offensive to another person, you just caused a discussion. You just forced them to have to think.”

Louis C.K.

“Old people say things like, ‘oh everything was better when I was a kid.’ Of course it was, you were a kid. Everything’s better when you were a a kid. Being old is the shitty part.”

Ricky Gervais

“How you handle rejection is very similar to how you’ll handle success. If you’re strong enough to handle rejection without taking it personally, without holding a grudge, and without losing your passion and drive, then you’ll be strong enough to reap the rewards. But if you’re too weak to handle failure and disappointment, then you’re too weak to handle success, which will only end up damaging your life and happiness.”

Kevin Hart

“People only care about their group. That’s it. I’ve noticed that through doing stand-up. When you make fun of animals, the people who are offended are the animal people. You make fun of the Asians, the Asians come up. The Asian people never defend the fatties. The fat people never go, ‘Hey lay off those chihuahua jokes!’ It’s very selfish. Where they’ll sit there and just subject after subject is going by and they’re all laughing, and the second it comes to their neighborhood, it’s not ‘jokes’ anymore. ‘These are statements that you’ve made.’ Like I’m on Meet The Press.”

Bill Burr

“It is very important for human beings to feel that they are popular and well-liked amongst a large group of people we don’t care for.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“And I go, ‘oh, I’m getting sad, gotta get the phone and write ‘hi’ to like 50 people’…then I said, ‘you know what, don’t. Just be sad. Just let the sadness, stand in the way of it, and let it hit you like a truck.’

And I let it come, and I just started to feel ‘oh my God,’and I pulled over and I just cried like a bitch. I cried so much. And it was beautiful. Sadness is poetic. You’re lucky to live sad moments.

And then I had happy feelings. Because when you let yourself feel sad, your body has antibodies, it has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness. So I was grateful to feel sad, and then I met it with true, profound happiness. It was such a trip.

The thing is, because we don’t want that first bit of sad, we push it away with a little phone or a jack-off or food. You never feel completely sad or completely happy, you just feel kinda satisfied with your product, and then you die. So that’s why I don’t want to get a phone for my kids.”

Louis C.K.